a mothers heart broken

well my story is soo long.... its heart  breaking what someone can do... specially having your baby taken from you... my ex was emotionally abusive he actually never wanted to be a father.. because he never had one.. but i talked him into it because i so badly wanted to be a mum and he agreed.. when the baby was born he never once helped me and his mother was nasty she always hated me... she just wanted it to be her and her son.. and then when my baby came along she just wanted it to be her her son and my baby she wanted me out of the picture.. anyways my baby was about 15 months old when i decided enough was enough.. i had got the courage to leave.. but he kicked me out one night before i could leave myself... we were staying at his mothers and the night he kicked me out he called me all the names under the sun in front of his mum and my child... i couldnt believe it he had me feeling like i was just useless that no one would ever want me... when i use to tell him i wanted out he would say "you cant look after yourself how can you look after a baby" and i believed him.... so i left i had no stability for my baby so i couldnt take him at the times.... i went back to new zealand to be close with family and friends and to be come stronger and get a career.. i got married and graduated as a personal trainer.. i was away from my baby for 2 years... my ex always makes me feel like my child doesn't  need me.. and just recently his mother rang my mum in nz and told her lies about me trying to paint me as a bad mother it was awful...

when i came back in April this year my ex made it soo hard...  he did not let me see or talk to my baby boy :-( then he decided to change his mind.. But only on his terms I was aloud to talk to my baby first then about  a month later I finally got to see my baby boy for the first time after 2 long years.. My ex said I could come to see my beautiful boy at his swimming lessons.. I was soo excited I couldn't believe it.. What I had been waiting for.. For soo long came true I was going to see my beautiful boy and hold him once again in my arms.. I could not wait.. Then that day came it was a Monday night I was soo nervous, excited, scared.. Sooo many emotions running through my mind And questions..

My hubby dropped me off I saw the entrance of the huge swimimg  complex...  so I proceeded to walk towards it... my heart was pounding soo hard.. This was it... the moment I had been longing for...  to see my beautiful boy to hold him and be able to tell him that I love him..  I started to walk along the path next to the pool it was a long walk.. My heart beating faster as I got soo much closer.. I was looking all around there were soo many other groups of different swimming lessons going on.. Then I had noticed a little group of young children..  about 5 toddlers sitting on the edge of the Shellow end of the pool.. So I started walking towards them..  And frantically looking for my beautiful boy... As I got closer I noticed my ex sitting on the bench... then I looked to the right were the toddlers were sitting on the pool edge.. I looked hard to see my baby boy.. Then I noticed the swimming instructor teaching one little toddler in the pool.. as I walked even closer.. I could see that it was my baby boy.. The instructor had just finished with him so she told Jackson to swim to where the other kids were.. As he got to the edge I walked up slowly towards him my eyes fixed on his beautiful big brown eyes...  The love I felt was soo beautiful  soo much joy bubbled up inside.. As I got closer I knelt down to him and said " hello my beautiful boy.. How are you"? And his eyes lit up he said "mum!"  "Look that's my mum!" my prayers had come true seeing my beautiful boy for the first time after 2 years it was like we had never parted.. It was such an awesome feeling.. Words could not explain the feeling I felt that night... It was hard seeing my ex again too.. But I had to do it for my baby... I just wanted to hold him in my arms straight away.. But he wasn't aloud to get out of the pool.. So I just sat awkwardly next to my ex just gazing at my beautiful boy.. He was just beautiful he had grown soo much I couldn't believe how much he had changed.. But he had soo much of me in him... He had my eyes and my friendly caring personality... Seeing him again fulled that whole I had in my heart.. It was a joyouce time... No more pain or erning to see him.. It was over the tough times were finished... Well that's what I thought....

Later on my ex had said that I could see Jackson on a Monday night at swimming lessons and Thursday night we would meet at the mall for dinner... So I agreed to do that.. It was awesome for just a month but it got hard I loved to see my baby at swimming lessons.. But I didn't want to meet up on a thursday night cause every thursday my ex was there as well and I was too uncomfortable.. Plus my ex would not let my husband see Jackson... And that hurt because my husband had to stay home while I was with my ex and Jackson... So I put a stop to it :-(

Well then things got ugly... My ex turned nasty again he stopped me from seeing my baby at swimming lessons as well he reackons that it was too cold for Jackson to swim... So the regular visits were over.... I then went to mediation to try and get a meeting to discuss things but they were useless the goverment sux over here... So applied for legal aid assistants.. And got it.. The first solicitor I got was cruel he had me in tears... So I asked for a transfer they regected it the first time... So I re applied for another one... And it was accepted..  In the mean time I discovered that my ex was nothing but a lier.. Soo many times I found him out...

Ok ages ago when I was seeing my baby in the beginning he asked me if I would sign over my parental responsibilies and if I could go halves in his solicitor to write up the papers... I asked him what full parental resonsibilities means.. And he said that it meant I won't get to have a say in jacksons schooling but I will be in his life... Yea right I found out that it meant signing over all my rights as a mother....

  Also he told me that he couldn't afford a landline and that they were going to disconnect it so I had to ring his mobile.. I rang up a $440 phone bill.. And my ex wouldn't always answer the phone... Or reply to my texts..

So One day my hubby said let's call directory assistance so I did and found out that he had changed the number he hadn't disconnected it at all he had just changed the number... So I rang it I was soo nervous..

My baby answered the phone he was soo happy to hear from me.. I knew I only had a small window of oportunity to tell my baby words that would reasure him that mummy hasdnt left and that I love him no matter what and that I will always be there for him...  I asked him if he believed me and he said yes... Then my I heard my ex and his mother yell out to Jackson " who u talking to?" Jackson yelled out " mum!" then they asked him again who was on the phone he yelled out "mum!" " it's my mummy" then my ex pulled the phone out of his little hand... Poor Jackson was screaming for the phone back.. My heart broke.. My ex said " who's this?" I said " put my son back on the phone now!" he made out that he couldn't hear me.. Then he gave Jackson back the phone... Aww my poor baby was soo upset... He was crying.. It broke my heart.. But for the first time I felt in my heart that my baby boy did love me.. He really needed me... I said to him " baby I love you soo much and I'm soo proud of you" " mummy will always love you" then all of a sudden it went quiet.. I kept calling out to my baby but he didn't reply.. My heart felt like it had smashed into thousands.. I called back three times but the phone rang out... It was horrible... I never rang back again until weeks later the day before my birthday I decided to call my baby but when I rung the number it was disconnected.. So I rung directory and found out that they had changed the number and had it unlisted.. So I couldn't find them... Wow that hurt soo bad it cut deep... I lived 15 mins away and could not see my baby boy.. It hurts when I drive past where they live and knowing I can't do anything :-(

Well the plot thickens I just found out that he robbed me of my share from the sale of our unit back in 2008.. A close family friend of my ex who I had met once when Jackson was a baby.. Told me everything... She has kept in touch with me via face book... I had left an impression on her that day she met me.. She couldn't believe that Leif (ex) managed to get a lovely woman like me... She felt sorry for me.. She hated the way the family treated me.. Anyway how she came to find out... Was because my ( ex) sister was talking to her mother... Her mum is really good friends with my (ex) mother.. They go way back... Anyway she over heard the conversation between the two.. My (ex) sister had blurted out that leif (ex) had taken my half of the money from the sale of the house... And hidden it.. So one night this family friend (my friend too) was in fb and I had noticed that she was on chat.. Well we got chatting away.. And she asked me if I recieved my share from the sale of our unit... I said "yes i got  $6,000"....  She said " no did you get your $ 30,000?" I was in shock... She had a look at the RP data cause her husband works for realestate and she confirmed what she had heard... She sent me the documents... I recieved them within days... Sure enough I read the papers... We purchased the unit gir $148,000 in 2005 and I left him to sell it he sold it for $ 220,000 he got $72,000 he gave me $6,000 he kept $66,000... So he threw me out of the house and took my baby and my money... Soo cruel.. I could not believe it .. I trusted him I felt like such a fool.. I thought he had my babies best interest at heart... Yea right he is nothing but a lier... Him and his mummy were both in on it... So now I have two cases going.. He has no idea that I know either... But he will get a shock... God is on my side and God is a God of restoration...

thanks for listening to my story sometimes i just get sick of typing it and every time i do it brings back the hurt and pain.. but i know God is protecting my baby boy :-)