QUESTION: Realistically, what can I expect to change?

Hi, I've been separated for 4.5 years. My exH has been with his current partner 5.5 years.  She’s fairly passive and not a problem. He on the other hand is one angry bundle of aggression and vitriol. I realise now – all this time down the track – that he has actively been alienating the children against me.  It’s only through reading about PA that I see it in my children.  The more research I’ve done, the more worried I am about long term effects, especially as I see some targeted parents lose their relationship entirely!

We have no formal parenting agreement.  They are predominantly with me. The overnights are 8 to me and 6 to him, however I have 2 afternoons/evenings on his week (Wed and Fri), making my time with them 10 days out of 14.  We have been through the mediation service twice and I am about to take him back a 3^rd time. I won’t delve into the history too much, but suffice to say, his contact and ‘parenting’ has been sketchy and forced at best. I say forced because I had a solicitor harass him into fulfilling his parenting obligations – when mediation failed the first time. Then under pressure from his parents who live overseas and didn’t want to go through me to have a relationship with the children, he agreed to a shared arrangement.

Currently its not working. He refuses to be flexible (such as when Miss 4 is ill, and wants her Mummy, he refuses her access to me).  Other issues I am taking to the 3^rd mediation attempt are:

He is a bully to Miss 8, treats her with so much disrespect, makes her babysit Miss 4 and Mstr 7 so he can watch TV uninterrupted.  He is punitive and mean. Overly punishing and dominating to Miss 8, but not the others. He forces her to eat food she doesn’t like and sends her to bed at dinner time if she doesn’t like it, and won’t allow her to phone me. He kicked her out once and phoned me to come and get her, then told her if she leaves she’s not welcome back.

He is constantly fighting and arguing with his GF in front of the children.  He uses foul language and is generally abusive to her in front of the children.  My son (Mstr 7) actually sides with exH on this, and says its always the GF’s fault (quote: she didn’t do her jobs Mum, it’s her fault Daddy is angry). 

Lately over the past 6 months, the children come home to me very angry. Largely at me, but often at nothing and everything. They have the most ugly attitude of aggression, disrespect and rudeness.  It takes about 3 days for me to sooth and calm this out of them.  Every bloody fortnight!

Every time they come home, they are rude to me, and use language that’s not acceptable in my home. Miss 4 is angry at everything and role models people arguing at each other. She does this with me, when there is nothing to disagree over.

Lately, he has had incidents where he has called me a F**king Bitch, a liar and a thief in front of the children. He has tried to get them to join him in accusing me of this – in front of me (Quote: “Isn’t she <<name>>, you know she is!”)  the latest is Mstr 7 told me Quote: “Daddy hates you. He said he wishes you were dead”.

My question is: realistically what specifically can I expect to change???  I think mediation is very light on for effect, and he can continue to do whatever he wants. 

I have NO funds for legal fees, at all.  Can someone tell me, exactly what I should be doing with this situation??

 thanks for reading

Bridge.