Step-Parent viewing parent alienation and feeling powerless

StepParent – Swings & Round Abouts ….

The issue at present….

Moved into our newly built 2 storey home – 5 mins from Beach, River, Parks, Jetty, Sand Dunes etc in January 2012 after renting for 5 plus years with still many things to complete – flooring, some window furnishings, driveway, backyard etc. 

Step kids come (as has been the pattern) every fortnight for four nights and my bio child comes week about in the same week, a couple of days earlier. My husband and I then have the following week to ourselves.  All three are boys entering into their teenage years and most recently (6+ months) the step kids each received their own laptops from bio mum’s and lug this with them every time they come over. My son uses my laptop during this time.  All three children play basketball and either have games over the weekends or have practice at different times of the day/locations – sometimes a full and busy w/end.  All three children are also engaged with a multiplayer game and either play this singularly or together. The playing of this game started at first to be only occasionally but is now at the stage of almost obsessive with (parental) suggestions from either myself or their dad as to other options they may wish to engage in (either with us or individually) being blocked with a “No” response (and no justification), ignored or begrudgingly they comply, no exchange of words but as soon as the activity (often shorter than electronic game playing) ceases the attitude is that they can jump back on immediately and if denied this or disapproval, either solitary time in their room or continual moping around with sigh’s of “I’m bored” until it gets so annoying that one or both of us relent.   Sometimes we have allowed this to happen just for the sake of having peace and quiet and attempting to get things done for the house/other issues that have not been dealt with during the week – bills, etc as we both work fulltime.  I don’t have as free or close relationship with my step kids as I have with my bio son therefore do not particularly see my role as being able to “parent” them without using my son as a example (which also makes me feel sad/bad for my son, having to parent in this way) so as to not upset the bio mum whom has had issues with her ex, me, maybe even my son and how we spend time with the step kids, ever since we got together quite a whilst ago.  I have explained to my son in the presence of the step kids that it is not healthy (potential short and long term health risks explained & I have occasionally bouts myself of RSI) for him to be on the computer so much and I have also asked him not to access the computer at times and to do something else which he has complied with but the step kids seem to believe that this does not apply to them (unless directly included) or have ignored me with this information on many occasion, have waited for direction/correction from their father or have negotiated with their dad to gain approval for access (when I have left the room) and then are visually upset (annoyed/sullen) when I have questioned them why they are again on the computer.  My partner had spoken to his ex about limits for computer time which she has responded with albeit a slightly defensive tone that they do have limits of which this is adhered to of at least 2 hours a day however when the step kids are in our care on the weekends this limit is not being adhered to (as described above) and when one day I questioned this – asked if the step kids had a time limit on the w/ends they responded that they did not, that as long as they had completed their chores, they could stay on as long as they wished.  I explained I thought this was excessive, asked them if they thought this was excessive also (begrudgingly they agreed but did not talk about this further) and indicated there was a wide variety of other activities they could pursue as alternatives and that I would be suggesting that my partner and I discuss this with their bio mother further.  I then asked that they all complete a set of basic chores that had been expressed would be occurring on a regular basis prior to us all moving into our new house which they complied with (cleaning there bathroom, loading/un-loading the dishwasher).  The children then all went back with their respective “other” parents that Monday and that night my partner received a terse phone call from his ex demanding why we were questioning her parenting skills.  When he responded by indicating a concern regarding dogged computer time by the children and on that past discussions re time limits had been discussed and understood at being only 2 hours a night (which we were trying to be also supportive of in the spirit of verbal parental agreement) she then indicated that this was correct but that this was not the case on the w/ends.  She then threw in the usual ditty (deflection from discussing this any further) that “the kids are not happy at your place” and that my partner was not spending quality time with them. 

This statement was a complete surprise to us as my partner and I had spent time on the w/end trying to engage the kids to do something else (and some suggestions had been as a family) and he has always tried to have discussions with his kids about how things are going at school, how they are feeling about spending time with us and as a family, the new house and what still needs to be done and acknowledgement that there is still a lot to do and that things will get better to ensure if there are any issues that the step kids have opportunity to express them and on all occasions there has not really been any issues that have come to light and the kids have come across as having a ball.  Throughout our relationship (and eventual marriage) and time with the kids, we engaged on occasion doing the usual things, going for swims at the local beach and pool, camping, movies, board games, holidays etc yet when they get back to their bio mum’s there tends to be a cyclical pattern of her then advising my partner that the kids ‘don’t have a good time or don’t feel comfortable expressing to him their issues like they feel comfortable expressing this to her’. This tended to occur when the kids had been really having a ball with us and we aren’t stupid, we have picked up that this behaviour is likely to occur and then the next fortnight would come about and they would be sombre and somewhat shell like in their behaviour towards us (as I suspect) as they too would be aware of their mother’s behaviour and that they themselves may have experienced somewhat of a negative backlash from having a good time with us. None of my suspicions have been confirmed in my interaction with the Step Kids and they have not verbalised this to either me or my partner (or if so only on the odd occasion) nor would I push this with them directly for fear of (again) a backlash towards me, my son and/or the step kids.  These w/ends were/are like living in cotton wool, always having to be polite and careful with what was being said/actions and not an enjoyable w/end at all with relief come Monday morning and sadness that part of this time was also with my son whom also senses that something was not quite right but that he too had/has to endure.  I had to express to my son during these periods that for his parents – me and his bio dad that he has the freedom to express how he felt to either one of us without fear of recrimination and that as he also lived in two homes that there are a lot of things that are exactly the same in both households and some things that are different, that this is life and something that he needs to get used to but does not mean that either parent loves him more or less than the other. Thank goodness my son is resilient and secure in this knowledge and throughout my new relationship, has not had any issues whatsoever with location, schooling, relationships and that neither his father nor myself have put him in a position/situation that he has had to choose/express one parent over the other and that we (his parents) have supported each other’s parenting and relationship with our son. There have been a few teething problems between his father and myself but my son is also very aware of his parents different personalities and behaviours.  My partner has not been that lucky and it seems to be getting worse.

The boys maternal G/Mother clashes on occasion with the youngest child and this has been expressed to their dad and despite his personal thoughts and feelings on her (dislike which he of course keeps to himself in order to support his ex) he has acknowledged the difficulty they feel but has backed his ex up by expressing that she has their best interests at heart.  In the latest exchange via text msg of the issue with the children and him questioning her parenting skills – he reminded her that he has always backed her up and why is this not reciprocated however she has not responded to this.  I am encouraging my partner to pursue his rights in the interest of maintaining his relationship and male bonding with the children because if he doesn’t the ex will continue to erode what little relationship they have left with him (as it may continue to be a burden and annoyance to her to have to encourage the relationships to continue) until they decide they no longer want to have anything to do with him and it seems to have come from them as their idea and not as per her subtle workings of her which she will still insist are justifiable. The ex has indicated he needs counselling with the children only, that she does not see that it has anything to do with her which as explained above is something that needs to occur between parents before taking this step.  Maybe this is a good idea as if an independent professional with knowledge of P/A will be able to work with the children to establish if there are problems of this nature thus if the issue gets to court (which I certainly hope is not the case) then hopefully a lawyer can be engaged and direct the judge to take this into consideration as a result of the outcome of the report.  Going gung ho with this option also may result in her bluff being called and her parenting being questioned (as his continually seems to be questioned) by a third party (to potentially minimise the potential that the 3^rd party enlisted is biased as he/we have engagned them we have now left this up to her to organise) and thus out in the open with the only way forward to either resolve them completely once and for all (no re-hashing or revisiting the past) or agree to disagreed and have some steps and consequences that occur differently in both households that the children are just going to have to grin and bear as part of everyday life and becoming an adult. The ex is not doing the children any favours or acting in their best interests by insulating them from life.  There is also the risk that as the ex does not recognise her behaviour as also contributing to the issue that she will only co-operate with what is needed to show that she is doing the right thing by the powers that be and once the spotlight is again turned off will continue with her destructive behaviour and non supportive behaviour as is.  I believe everything I have documented as a chronology today is evidence of subtly to mild active parental alienation.  Do we continue down the path of trying to stand up for him and ourselves, knowing that it is more than likely that she will fight it either up front or subtly behind the scenes (in other words engage in war) or do we just roll over and let her continue to dictate (and follow) how things are to be until the children turn 18 which is currently 4 years for the older child and 6 years for the younger?  Yesterday she inquired with my partner via text if he was intending on taking time off for Easter (all holidays are 50/50 split) and if not then the boys were not interested in attending for the whole week but only on the w/end that he would be there.  This is quite rude and insulting to my partner’s mother who spends time with the children during this week when my partner is not there and/or his sister might also visit also.  Added to this is the fact that I time it so I have my son the week that my partner has his kids – what message is this then sending to my son? Today she sent my partner a txt message to suggest the older child is having trouble coping and has spent x 2 days off from school.  This again has upset my partner to no end - him being concerned for his son and not upset about the ex.  The denigration and notification in this manner that my partner is a bad parent in her eyes continues. We really need some help with working out what exactly is the problem and fixing it.  Is my partner being subjected to Parental Alienation and if so what can/should he do?