Seeking advice from those who have come through the other side.....

 I am so pleased to have found this site tonight because like many people on this site I am searching for any sort of help I can get in this situation.

About me: My husband and I separated when our only child was 6 months old. He was engaged to someone new within 3 months - I on the other hand have never remarried.

I then raised my son on my own for 13 years without any assistance from my ex-husband who moved interstate with his new wife. We set up a parenting order which involved my son going to see his father 2 times a year. There was also an option for the ability for my ex to see my son more often if he was ever in our state. This worked reasonably well although I acknowledge it wasn’t ideal but the situation was hard due to the distance.

 My problems started when my son returned from one of his access visits when he was about 12. It seems we went from being 'best mates' to 'I hate my mum' literally over night. He told me that his dad had 'told him the truth' about why he left us when he was a baby, and apparently that was because I was just so horrible and 'made everyone feel like and treated them like shit.' This was then continually thrown up at me for the following year - how horrible I had been to his dad 12 years ago. I have to be honest and say that I often lost my cool - knowing the truth and not having told my son but then having to stand there whilst he accused me of ruining his father’s life was just too much to handle.

 It was a terrible year that coincided with my sons first year at high school. It seemed I was called by the school every second day about angry unacceptable behaviour that hadn’t been there the year before. The year culminated in my son being caught shop lifting and whilst I handled it by stripping him of every 'desirable' thing in his life (on advice from the Police that brought him home telling me to 'handle it or they would if it ever happened again), his father on the other hand just laughed and said that he too had done it at about the same age but 'just hadn’t been caught'.

Needless to say, when my son went on his access visit that Christmas, he didn't come home. It’s now been 14 months since I have seen him and we haven’t spoken for over 8 months. He will occasionally speak to me on face book if I log on and he is online but he is rude and abrupt when he does. He tells me that this is my punishment for the way I treated his dad all those years ago and now he is so happy and has such a great life involving camping, sport, fishing and all those other things I understand boys crave to do with their dads. Every time I suggest he come to visit, his father plans something fun that the rest of the family up there will be doing and he doesn’t want to miss out

 My life is pretty boring in comparison and I do not have the same level of disposable income that they have so anything I come up with seems pretty lame to an almost 15 year old boy.

  Legal Aid was absolutely no help at all because of my son’s age, even though there was / is a court ordered family order in place. They actually told me they aren’t worth the paper they are written on once kids get to a certain age. My son is now saying he doesn’t want to come visit (although he has never said that to me - only through their lawyer) but when he was first gone, a Childs wishes report that was ordered said that he was extremely sad and missed me (crying throughout the entire interview) and the recommendation was that we had frequent visits and contact via phone / Skype etc. It seems my son was so desperate to please his dad and to establish a relationship that he was prepared to cut me off to please him, which seems to be working.

 I am sitting here crying now just thinking and talking (typing) about it. I feel I have lost him forever and torture myself about all the things I could have done better / different / bigger.

It seems to affect my every thought and action. The pain of the loss is literally a physical pain and almost debilitating. I miss him more than I thought was possible but when I tell him; I get a text from his father telling me to stop emotionally abusing him. Everything I do or say is twisted and turned. Care packages I send go missing or are criticised as me sending 'crap'. I simply don't know what to do and know I can't take the rejection for much longer and wonder whether I should just withdraw in a bid to try protecting my fragile emotional state.

I would dearly love to hear from anyone else who has been through this and come out the other side - anything to give me hope right now would be welcomed.