Poisoned one daughter and ignoring other daughter

Hi,

Well, compared to some of the heartwrenching stories I have read on here, seems silly even writing a topic as I hardly seem to have anything to complain about.  The thing is it's been a slow insidious campaign by my FirstXH.  I have felt so helpless as I don't like conflict and it takes a lot to stand up to him but have done so for my girls at times, but I have learned to pick my battles and weigh up the consequences as he can make my life hell, along with his partner who hates me.  I feel like I will never escape the control he wants to emotionally have over me, as I escaped a horrible marriage of pscyhological abuse to try to get away and make a future for the girls and myself, yet he is still in a position of power, being ever feuled and supported by his girlfriend.  Over 14 years on, and I am still having counselling over issues that revolve around abuse/manipulation from him, which started in my marriage to him.

Because of all that I went through during the divorce, I let my SecondXH handle/liase with him and this was probably a big mistake as I realised my Second XH was also very manipulative and didn't have my girls' best interests at heart at all.  For example, without my authorisation had the child support put into his own bank account which I could not access.  Worst thing he did was secretly arrange without telling me to send the girls to the FirstXH on mother's day and I found out at last minute, when I had something organised with the girls, then tried to bully me not to change it.  Also when the girls were throwing up and I notified FirstExH and we mutually decided against a visit, secondXH sulked profusely the whole weekend.  Seems I get attracted to emotionally selfish immature men, but that's another story.  Eventually decided to be on my own again.  But dealing with FirstXH is very difficult.  After some initial conflicts, everything seemed to be OK.  The girls do not have regular visits, never have.  It was pointless trying to make it happen, I had arranged several failed mediation sessions which he could never be bothered turning up to as he likes his own way.

I have got on with the job of parenting and being the best mum and role model I can.  I didn't stop the girls from having a relationship with their dad, despite us having to be flexible (within reason).  I have worked hard to make this work rather than fight against it and to help the girls want to go.  However, in the past couple of years, I have noticed a particular tactic of nasty gossip about me when they went there, with their father and the girlfriend using every opportunity to put me down. At first it was comments I could just shrug off, but it has become more and more denigrating, along with them quizzing the girls about what I am doing, what I am spending, where I am going, have I got a job, how much did I spend on them at christmas, etc etc.  Followed by nasty comments about me as a person or as a mother eg "what a ferel". 

When my eldest girl started to abuse me at age 14, a lot of the stuff sounded like it came right out of his mouth.  We had once had a close bond but she absolutely seemed to despise me now.  I have tried so hard to work on this relationship but I fear a lot of damage has been done already.  I took her to some counselling and other therapies, but then she refused.  She seems to believe what they say to her as gospel.  When she got into trouble at school and had to be pulled out, I actually had a phone discussion with him and asked him for any input or how he would like to help us.  I then had a further attempt to discuss courses that would finish her education but be more suited to her eg. keep her away from the bad environment/people.  I got him to agree to pay for half the course, which she completed.  However he would not commit to anything or give any input into how he wanted to help her.  Then of course, she came back from visits saying I put her into useless courses and he had wanted her to go back to high school, with the girlfriend saying I shouldn't be paid any child support because I pulled her from school (despite at the time as explained it being in her best interests to do alternatives, and me discussing this with him).  Also with the girlfriend saying "Don't listen to your stupid mother when she says anything, listen to us, ask us".  She was told by them that he could stop paying child support when she turned 16, as they hated paying it to me because I don't support my kids like a normal person and am really lazy.  All I have ever done has been for the girls, so this really hurts.   Well, maybe I was wrong, but I haven't responded to them in any of this as I didn't want him to feel that gratification, so maybe this makes them even angrier.  BTW the child support continues.   

It seems both of them have been contacting older girl on the mobile, yet have never, ever rung the younger girl.  They arranged a birthday meal at a restaurant for older girl, yet didn't even ring the younger girl to say happy birthday and will get around to seeing her about a week later and giving her her birthday money, but no activity for her, not even a dinner.  I can see how she feels second best and I really work to make it up to her myself.  I know it's because she hates the gossip and won't participate in it, and has told me how they often ignore her to focus all their attention on older girl.  Now lately they are passing snide remarks saying she's weird and spending too much time with her mother.  She's got to the point now where she doesn't want to go and because of the lack of respect (not just about me the parent, but towards her) I feel she should be able to make that decision. 

The older girl is now 17 and this year will be 18.  I have been the one to help her with much of her learner driver practice, pay for driving lessons and some car repairs and tyres, take her for driving tests, to get her licence.  He didn't want to participate in this even though he was told about it.  When she texted him and tried to ring to tell him she got her licence, there was never any response back.  This is one of the most exciting things in a teenager's life.  Now they are giving her advise about insurance and everything is "Dad and C said..."  They have been telling her to move down the road from them, and they will put her part of the child support in her own account, because your mother isn't paying for you" (according to them) .  I do not take any board from her and cover many of her expenses, and always pay for her when we go out, or give her extra money for petrol and other things. She keeps her wages to spend on her hair, clothes, junk food, petrol and the movies.  I have just finished paying the mobile phone bill which she ran up (for the umpteenth time) as I have always paid for it (not once she's 18).  Everyone says I have probably spoilt her but I just wanted to love my girls and give them everything I could.  I wouldn't mind if I wasn't copping all this abuse and now they have her convinced that I am witholding money from her.  She's never wanted for anything.  Maybe I should just let her go and find out for herself how much everything costs out there in the world, when you don't have someone to fall back on.  Maybe she'll think different of me one day with life experience, I don't know.  I often grieve the loss of the bond we once had.  The only thing that keeps me going is that the younger girl and I are still close.  She seems to have a good outlook on life, knows what she wants, and doesn't let other people put it over her. 

I know this all sounds trivial but it gets me down.  I didn't even know what parental alienation was until I realised it had already happened.  I have tried to be a good person.  Any thoughts or advice appreciated.