God I need help

Hi,I feel funny starting with Hi,its like a little casual when what I need to say is just so intense,unfair and painful beyond even child birth.I was raped at school at 14yrs and my school blamed me cause my jeans were too tight.(LOL)MY parents just never really knew what to do to help me and I dont believe that that even cared they just wanted it to go away.But in my mind it wouldnt go away,so after not going back to school I ran away,my parents had me locked away in a girls home.I was then locked away for 18months and put out onto the street,I was hurt and confused,why did my parents do this to me?what did I do wronge?I ended up at 16yrs of age becoming a street kid addicted to heroin.But I am one of the lucky ones I got clean,it may of taking many years but I did it.I made my mistake and at 22yrs I had a son,I was attacked and raped again when he was only 18months,I didnt cope well and of cause my parents turned their backs on my again.I did the unthinkable and took heroin,I messed up badly and my mum took my son away from me.When she did I first tried to kill myself but after a failed attempt I decided that if I loved him like I did then I needed to get my life together,and thats what I did.Within 3months I was clean and got my son back.I knew then he was all I cared about and that I would never hurt him again.I stayed true to my word and stayed clean for 13yrs,not only that I gave up everything,no drinking,no smoking,no fatty food,I went to the gym everyday and I married and had 3 more beautiful kids,2 wonderful girls and a cheeky little son.I was a stay at home mum,I co slept with them and I breast feed.I even let them sleep on me during the day.I had a clean home and always went to play groups and walks in the pram.I would clean in the morning,do washing and then the rest of the days was for the kids to play and paint and later they would climb on the lounge and I would sit with them,they got on my lap and napped.I then cooked and gave them baths and cleaned up the days toys and we waited for daddy to come home and eat our diiner.I cleaned up and then I took them into bed with me.I had my girl with me until the next girl was born,the first girl was 5yrs by this time,and then when the second girl was 22months here my son came.I didnt care they all slept in the bed,my eldest son of cause didnt because my husband never let him but,but he loved getting new siblings and he was my best friend.After 12yrs of marriage my life got worse,my husband didnt give me any time out and he controlled my intire life.I begged him for help but he just went on with his life as normal.I was expected to stay home be a mum,clean and wash and cook and go to bed.If I had time out he only allowed me to exercise,he watched all my food intake so I didnt get fat.I was on anti depressants but I was not unhappy with my kids I was just unhappy with the way my husband never let me have some me time,he never let me just sit and be on the computer or watch anything other than kids T.V.My whole life was my kids.My doctor changed my anti-depressants because my husband said they didnt work and I had a full brake down.I know now it was the anti depressant levels droping and then changing.My husband had beat me alot and I never told anyone and I was totally ashamed so I was scared of him.He tried to have me committed to a mental hospital and I got scared that if he did I would lose my kids,he was telling lies to my mum and got her on side(not a hard thing to do)I was a mess and scared and he can home trying to get me to sign papers to give him custody of me and the kids.I said no and I ran,he pushed me and I broke my tail bone.I left him and went to a hotel.I lot went on after that with him taking out AVOs on my and keeping me from my kids and he uses my past drug addiction to keep the courts thinking I am a bad mum.I was giving shared custody and he conned me into giving it up in court so he could make an out of court settlement with me.Of course he didnt do it.He has orders that I am to see my kids but he doesnt let me,I cant afford a lawyer as he got all our money and all our property and my kids,I didnt even get my personally affects.My whole family only talk to him and I am homeless and have nothing at 44yrs of age.I gave up my right for a career by staying home with my kids.But the worst thing is he has my kids and they want to be with me,he wont even let me see them let alone be with them.They cant call me and even when I did get a home near him he wouldnt let me to see them.The beg me to help them to come live with me but I cant and it brakes my heart.He tells them I am a junkie and says the worst things about me.I was clean when I met him,I never even drank when I met him,but he tells people and my kids I am a bad mum and a drugie.I cry every nite and I havnt got the strenght to fight him and his lies.He is convinced that its true and that I was all these bad things while we were together,he even tries to convince me that I was the bad mum.I dont know what to do all I know is my kids love me and I love them and I have never done anything wronge since I had his kids.I have no money and I cant afford to get a lawyer to help us.Who will defend my kids againist this man.Thanks for reading Misha