Dancing in a Mine field.

The title of this topic accurately describes how I feel and the energy it has taken to prevent Parental Alienation taking hold.

We now have a shared care arrangement. I care for my son a few days every week. He is now getting counselling which is helping him address the issues he has been left with.

I must comment that I don't believe the mothers actions and behavior were part of a deliberate plan. More likely they were simply an opportunist reaction to circumstances and to protect what she saw as her own interests. In fact I asked her once during a reconciliation. I asked "why did you put us through hell" - the answer was quite telling - "because I can!"

By the time junior was talking, it was obvious things weren't right (we had separated, reconciled and were newly and finally separated). Junior had just learned to say "daddy" when mum took him from the family home. A trip to court got me involved again. When in my care, I noticed junior would go to ask for something, he would start to form the word daddy, all that came out was the start start of "D" then it was cut off, a pained expression on his face. He still had the need so he would call me "Mummy". I never objected or made an issue of it, choosing instead to meet his need. It took another 18 months before he actually said "Daddy".

On occasions, usually in the first few hours back with me,  he would comment "Mummy says your are Naughty" or similar. The comment was usually accompanied by challenging behavior. While my first though would be to deny it the accusation and blame mum, I didn't. Early on, I simply ignored it and changed the subject. After the first few time I realised the challenging behavior was his way of testing me to see if I was still the consistent loving "Daddy" he thought (hoped) I was. On each occasion I managed to pass the test and within an our or 2 he would revert back to his normal behavior patterns.

As he got older. ignoring the accusations and challenges became inappropriate, then I moved to providing an explanation or asking had I behaved that way with him. One thing I never did was tell him that mum was wrong or blame her in any way, no matter how strong the temptation.

Being consistent also brought another challenge from junior. Once he was old enough to recognise there was a problem that could be fixed (he thought), he expected me to fix it. On occasions he became quite angry with me because I couldn't fix the problem (not in a time scale acceptable to him anyway).

Issues still arise. For example after much encouragement junior has started being concerned about his homework (still in primary school). He has complained that mum doesn't take any interest or remind him. My response would be "you are old enough to learn to remind your self!". Sometime his homework book doesn't make it into his school bag. He will do the work on other paper which then goes with him for the rest of the week (it often then gets lost). This morning he complained "You didn't put the paper I did my homework on in my bag. because of you I can't hand my home work in".

When I told him I had put the paper in his bag, he responded by saying "Mum said she couldn't find it in my bag so you are lying, you should say sorry". My response was to say "I did put it in your bag! And I am not going to say sorry if I have nothing to say sorry for!". On the way to school he remained annoyed, talking about going to mums early because I don't care. As he walked off to class at school he had a chance to think it through. He turned and came back to me giving me a huge hug.

I can now safely say I have no doubt about the strength of his love and trust for me. If he is annoyed with me for setting boundaries and goes to bed grumpy at me, it never lasts the night through. Often he will come in to my room in the middle of the night, simply "I forgot to say I love you daddy. I love you daddy" - give me a hug and return to bed.

The Background.

I am sure mum had severe Post Natal depression (various experts agree). This was and is compounded by an attitude which encompassed self interest, lack of personal responsibility, a sense of entitlement and some very complex family of origin issues.

I will add more another time, including strategies that helped manage the overall situation.