From a targeted mum

Submitted by Admin on Wed, 08/09/2010 - 10:41

Hi my name is ............ (withheld by admin)

I am grateful to have found this site. All too often you feel as if your going through this alone and its only you who sees what is happening to your children. I was told over 12months ago by a respected Family Court Writer ( Degrees etc ) that Parental Alienation was a hokis pokis word developed in the States and that it didnt apply to Australians! You can imagine my disappointment etc. I have read many of the stories of mums in pain and can now relate and identify this with some one at least. Do not misunderstand I do have a great mum and partner but sometimes it does get all too much for them and I have all to often found myself quietly dying inside over my two eldest boys. I look forward in reading the success stories in the reversal of pas and this reassures me.

Unfortunately my ex and current wife are totally unaware of their behaviours that this has become common and acceptable behaviours on their behalf and has been imitated by the boys and directed at myself. Hearing the ex and wife carry on the way they do really doesn't bother me. Its when the boys speak to me in the same manner and get rewarded for it just destroys me and takes me days to recover from this. I guess it still shocks me to think how the boys could ever speak to me in this manner considering we were so close.

My ex developed a heart condition 12 months ago, that the new wife told them the boys, that their father would die if he didnt have custody and it started from there. However this wasn't really the case as the property settlement was about to be completed after many years and this was another way to avoid this in raising family issues.

If there is something I can share with others is to never talk new issues with children. My boys came home and informed me that they were moving cause their father was going to die and needed treatment 1200km away. In having this discussion with them I was informed that they would be able to raise themselves whilst there Father and girlfriend at the time would be at the hospital. I casually reminded them whilst laughing with admiration, that they were flat out making their beds let alone cooking cleaning etc for themselves. They turned on me and said that they would do all this for themselves to prove to me that they could go. Being 13 and 11 and the twins 9 at the time, I thought what a wonderful start to everyday chores and I allowed this to happen for one evening where they cooked a basic meal and placed one load in the washing machine all whilst supervised.

Anyway long story short my ex and mainly girlfriend whom couldn't stand us talking to each other about the children creatively manipulated these occurrences and DOCs removed my children as I was now no longer caring for them. Of course the events and time frame were very exaggerated and what really absolutely devastated me was that the boys actively participated in the exaggeration. In an attempt to dismiss he said she said information my partner and another friend whom were at the house verified my statement almost word for word and went totally unheard by DOCS. It was a totally onside affair and at times it would appear that DOCS would even tailor and change statements to validate there statements. I even recorded all of my conversations with DOCS and when I went to challenge this with the authorities of DOCs they too were not interested.

I could do nothing to clear the accusations that were coming at me. At the time only 3 of the boys were vocal in their misallegations apart from one whom did tell the truth. The sad thing about this was my ex and now wife even convinced DOCS that he was intellectually impaired and his statement could not be considered as he has difficult with his speech. It even went as far to "diagnose" him with Aspergers Syndrome because he was favouring me his Mother. I had minimal visits with the children at DOCs department all of which were recorded and on the very first visit the children were relatively warm and friendly and even hugged me and kissed me hello and goodbye. I requested to purchase the children chains with crosses on them to Docs as a gesture to say considering I couldnt look after them that God and his angels would, which was considered a favourable gesture and all within the guidelines of their investigation. The boys were given these chains and my eldest was really excited as he had wanted a cross chain for some time and went back to his fathers with it without a second doubt.

Unfortunately the next visit Ivan threw the chain back at me along with the other two, and I was told that I could not buy them and that they wanted their fathers girlfriend in with them at meetings as they were scared of me. You imagine my shock and although I composed my hurt sincerely asked why the change - DOCs intervened and said that I was emotionally harming the children with that question and the children were removed from the visit. I had challenge Docs to no end then in asking if I didnt know what the problem was how could I fix it? I didnt get a reply and was told that they call the shots and of course I was dealing with a 21 year old whom had no children and of course no idea of what had actually happened. I even got my legal representative in with me to see this situation whom also challenge DOCs to no avail.

In the end the twins ended up repeatedly ( not once but many times ) running away from their fathers with knives to protect themselves before they were returned to my care 3 months later. I was forced to sign another Family Consent Agreement to allow the older boys to move with their father 1200kim or I would lose all four. I did try and challenge this but as I had mentioned to you earlier the Family Court Writer was the one whom stated that PAS was the hoskis pokis word and whom wrote the Family Report to be presented to the Family Court in which I was told by my legal representative that the courts never overturn these reports. As much as I didnt want to I had no choice bar to agree to phone contact time once a week with the older two and school holidays. In the past year I have only spoke to the older two 3 times and its was supervised and coached and all I received was abuse. The twins sometimes get a chance to speak to their brothers but it to is very rare as the wife and her three children always interfer with the conversation.

I was even told by the step children of my ex that they had more right to speak to the twins than I had to speak to my sons. Only two weeks after this agreement I found out via hearsay that my eldest was in hospital. I tried to contact the ex and received no answer and proceeded to ring a number of hospitals and confirmed my fears. After explaining to the Nurse who I was in requesting the condition of my son, I was told that they could not confirm my identity and I was refused any information. The ex still to this day despite many requests refused to informed me despite the Consent Ordes stating so. The many contacts for holidays , Mothers day, birthday Xmas and Easter have all been refused even to the extent that the wife did a runner with the children across the state knowing full well I was travelling 1200 to collect them as per the consent orders.

I have repeatedly told the ex that I had no choice bar to take these matters back to court. The three conversations that I have had with the boys all mention "mum do you think we want to talk to you if you take dad back to court" and they the call is terminated prior to any response I may have. So I have held off for the past 12 months but now feel that I cant allow this to happen any longer to myself and their siblings. As all of this has depleted any savings I am preparing the contravention myself and its so hard to do as you rehash the hurt but I'm getting through this. The ongoing text messages from the wife stating "remember that DOCs removed the children from your care to mine", keeps me going. I used to be focused in having the boys return to my care, but that now gives me fear in whatelse could they do and say to hurt me and I know that I guess like many other stories they will come to an age that they will have to work this out on their own.

Thank you for allowing me to vent somewhat and again I am so grateful for this site as I no longer feel as if I am going mad and being so alone in this process. I do apologise for the length of this but I can now no longer feel like a victim but empowered to continue to do what is right for all my children.

u will find it anywhere else in the mean time.

For our children's sake I sincerely hope that one day you too will find inner peace.

law101
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Joined: 20/12/2011
Thankyou

I wish u didn't have this story to tell but i am thankfull that u told it - i feel for u so much as I am in the same situation. My oldest [now nearly 17] has not spoken to me except once in the last 12 months and it is nearly killing me because I miss him so much and my youngest follows every word his brother says, even though I don't think he has even thought about or understands the meaning of what he is saying. My daughter tries to talk to me but I feel the pressure on her and I don't want her caught in the middle. The pain I feel for what I know my children are enduring psychologically is what causes me the greatest grief and distress. I worry so much that this will affect their ability to function as happy and whole human beings as adults and have fulfilling relationships. I also have a very strong belief in jesus though and pray always that he protects my children and this gives me some relief.

 

Thankyou for sharing and God bless

Karen
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Joined: 16/09/2011
What has happened to us?

I have just found his site today and am also a targeted parent.  Although I am relieved in part to know I am not alone, I am also disgusted by your story.

How can society get it so wrong?  DOCS will happily ignore children in desparate situations but hey let's remove happy children from the only safe and sane situation they know!

I am only just coming to terms myself with what my children and I are being exposed to and unfortunately know that I have a very long and hard road ahead.

Your story saddens me and I wish you all the best.  I am struggling as I want to tell you that it will all be OK and that the truth will come out - but I know that the truth is of no relivance in these situations.  Even if a miracle was to happen, how to you reverse the damage that has already been done?????

Clara
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Joined: 21/04/2011
Docs & Abuse.
why am I not suprised to read how Doc's failed your children? What is going on? In my investigation I was hauled over colls for allowing my child to partake in a school organised walking bus? Therefore you have my knowing support on the ridiculousness that they deny your children a mother. Sure, if there was any truth offer you support, offer you a program. Society has no idea what this abuse does to the whole family unit. Your children were facilitating the abuse your ex was perpetrating.laws need to recognise facilitated abuse is not only abuse of the victim (parent) but also the children. I understand this. My child would & still does voice every brainwashed derogatory term her father would have me known as and knows no different. Yet you couldn't ask her to think of one for him because I have hit my head against a brick wall for 13yrs keeping myself sane so I don't play his game. People are too easy to judge. I couldn't tell you how many times I have cried myself to sleep or locked my self in the bathroom so she wouldn't see the grief his abuse has caused. So what if the kids r late or I am tired. But no, those who don't understand & have fallen under the perpetrators charm see these as factors to further undermine a parents role. So again I reiterate I understand & support you............. I too know that when he becomes tired of torturing you that he will turn on the new wife. But as much as I know that, I also believe that your elder two children are not only directed by your exes charm, but act to protect you............. I believe our children see the abuse, know the abuse & to control the abuse they offer themselves as a sacrifice to protect us. Knowing this drives me to be strong & always say I am there for my child & reassure them they don't have to protect me. Docs should be held accountable for our children using every available tactic to protect their parents. How many children have the removed from victims of domestic violence because the victim doesn't leave. Yet they happily support perpetrators having full custody? Go figure. Hopefully with this site we can make sense of it and work together to protect our children.
SherylU
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Joined: 19/03/2012
Beware of the slow burn

My story is not one of long drawn out court battles although I did go to court and lose custody of my children because my ex was wealthy enough to hire a barrister and I blindly put all my faith in a stoned public defender.

Mine is a story of loss of my son as an adult because I tread to lightly, believed that my unending love for him would always win over his fathers continual bad mouthing me and telling him everything he believed to be true even when the stories of me having affairs and abandoning him were never based in truth. I believed with all my heart that my son would know me and never believe the lies. Just as his sisters listened to their fathers lies but never believed him, so would my son. I was after all his mother right?

How wrong could I be. Mine is a story of warning for everyone who is just starting on this crusade. Please always make sure your story is told and that your truths are told. Fight with all your strength to make sure that your ex, that is doing so much damage to your children, is not allowed to continue on their path of destruction.

It took 7 years for my son to decide he no longer wants any contact with me and there is nothing I can do to change his mind because there is 7years of mud that has been slung. All because my exes ego got hurt so badly because I had the nerve to leave his emotional abuse. Unfortunately he just continued to abuse his children in the name of 'good parenting'.

I feel for each and everyone of you and whatever path has lead you here we are all going through the same thing in varying degrees. 

Stay strong and fight with your heart and heads and remember it is all for our children.

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